There are times when life just sucks. There are times when you don’t know what to say or do to make things better for people - because there’s nothing that can really fix things.
Lately I’ve been thinking about the power of simply showing up, even when we can’t make people feel better about what’s happening. I’ve been reading a beautiful book called There’s No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love
This book is brilliant and beautiful.
It’s reminds us about the essential thing to do when people you know are struggling - to reach out, be present and listen. I love the book because we all worry that we’ll say the wrong thing, that we’ll make things worse or not be able to do enough - and it gives such useful info about simple words to say: This sucks. I’m so sorry. I’m here.
And if you just don’t know what to say you can always send a card that’s totally unlike other cards: Empathy Cards - greeting cards for relationships we actually have.
I’ve been thinking of this lately because two dear friends are watching their family members die this month. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to make this better. My only hope is to let them know they are not alone. I want them to know they can lean on me, even from a long way away. So that means I reach out over the phone or text, consistently. And if they are nearby, I can drop off a meal - one of the lovely bonuses of our meal co-op. All of us have had extra meals in the freezer, or we are more used to cooking for large groups, so adding another meal into our prep that week isn’t as daunting. Show your love for people. Show up. It is powerful.
Having food in our freezers for neighbors and friends who need extra backup has been a special gift to be able to share with others. We’ve been able to spontaneously drop off a meal for neighbors or in more extreme cases coordinate a more thorough support plan. Another dear friend of mine who was dealing with PTSD - she had dealt with 2 death threats in the course of 2 years, and one of those had resulted in a murder at her school including two of her students. It became clear that she was dealing with anxiety and depression at a debilitating level, and unable to do basic things unless she let herself recover and learn new skills for handling the stress of work and life. Once we knew what was happening, I asked the village moms to reach into their freezers and we were able to find a week’s worth of meals that I could just drop off with my friend and her family. It was a simple thing, showing up, and it let them know they weren’t alone.