Friendships have changed my life. These two women - Katya Matanovic and Hilary Dameron - have been through so much with me over the last 4 years of cooking for each other. We’ve weathered deaths, betrayals, births and political upheaval. We’ve been cooking for each other since we had wee babes and now our children will all run off together into the other parts of our homes and disappear for hours. Transformations have taken place.
Our Wolfpack - from right: Hilary Dameron, Catherine Seaver (me) and Katya Matanovic
What started as a way to survive has turned into a way to be known. We have a flexible but very useful book club - we are currently reading Burnout. We have a shorthand for the kind of anxiety that can take us off our footing and leave us struggling for stability - we simply ask: how are the squirrels doing? Because squirrels on a treadmill really sums up what it’s like to have an anxiety loop happening in your head. We check in on each other and give each other breaks when we know the world is asking a lot. Hilary and I pick each other’s kids up at school so we can make the multiple school early dismissal timings work. We share childcare. We share recycling services. Katya and I work together - at Pomegranate Center. We have decluttered our homes together - this minimalist game has been hilariously productive.
How are the squirrels doing?
And we celebrate together. Our recent solstice dinner was the highlight of my holiday and after cooking so much for each other, we remarked at how infrequently we actually sit down to eat together. No matter the frequency, we are tied together with this bond of love. Of small things, done often, with care.
We started with just the three of us talking over coffee in 2015, we grew to 5 families pretty quickly and for a few years Adana and Jenny were an integral part of our village. But going back to school, moving to new cities and different jobs meant that things changed and our core group of three families returned. We’ve folded in new faces for seasons - Sarah joined us for a summer when she needed extra backup, Monica wove us into her busy life with three tiny children. And we’ve been able to respond to friends and neighbors in crisis - pooling our frozen meals to give folks a week or two of backup when life is too much.
There’s a lot of research that shows how this kind of friendship will prolong and improve our lives. The Blue Zones project reveals how the idea of a moai - a small group of lifelong friends, is powerful -
Elders in Okinawa, Japan, one of the original blue zones longevity hotspots, live extraordinarily better and longer lives than almost anyone else in the world. Moai, one of their longevity traditions, are social support groups that start in childhood and extend into the 100s.
These groups of friends, commit to each other from childhood. They meet daily or a few times a week and they are a second family - meeting together to gossip, experience life, give advice and even pool financial resources to support each other through difficult times.
One of the women blue zones researchers had the pleasure of meeting in Okinawa was Klazuko Manna, who, at 77 years old, was the youngest of her moai (collective age of the group was over 450!). She stressed that it isn’t just about gossip and chatter — it’s deep support and respect for each other. “Each member knows that her friends count on her as much as she counts on her friends. If you get sick or a spouse dies or if you run out of money, we know someone will step in and help. It’s much easier to go through life knowing there is a safety net.” Even today, about half of Okinawans participate in a moai, and many are in more than one.
I think that captures it: It’s much easier to go through life knowing there is a safety net.
Commit to each other.
Show up in big and little ways. Love and laugh together. It will change your life. I’m so glad it’s changed mine.
Our Solstice dinner 2019 with partners!
It’s not just us who benefit! The next generation - learning to count on each other, raised to think that eating other people’s food and getting picked up by your village of parents is just part of life..